Team Presentation

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MATTEL DIVISIONAL TEAM MEETING

by Richard Bellikoff

(BAND plays drum roll followed by “Tonight Show” theme, continuing under:)

ANNOUNCER (V.O.): LIVE FROM LOS ANGELES, IT’S THE TOM xxxx SHOW, STARRING — YOU GUESSED IT — TOM xxxx.  WITH SPECIAL GUESTS, THE MATTEL ACTIVITY TOYS TEAM.  AND NOW . . . HERE’S TOM!

(MUSIC up as Tom enters.  A STAGEHAND holds up an applause sign for the audience of team members.  TOM waves at the crowd, bows, acknowledges the applause.  As it dies down, he gestures abruptly at the BAND, cutting off the music.)

TOM: THANK YOU.  THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND WELCOME TO MY SHOW.  YOU KNOW, A YEAR AGO, I COULDN’T HAVE DONE THIS SHOW.  AND YOU KNOW WHY?

BANDLEADER (Intrusively): WHY IS THAT, TOM?

TOM (Annoyed): I’LL TELL YOU WHY.  BECAUSE WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY ACTIVITY TOY PRODUCTS AT THE TIME.  WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY TRADEMARKS.  WE HAD NO PACKAGES.  NO COMMERCIALS.  ZILCH.  I DIDN’T HAVE A SINGLE WEAPON TO GO AFTER THE COMPETITION WITH.  I FELT LIKE THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF OF THE TALIBAN AIR FORCE.

(Pause for audience reaction.)

TOM: BUT WE DID HAVE ONE THING THOSE TALIBAN GUYS DIDN’T: THE MATTEL TEAM.  A TEAM WITH A DREAM OF CREATING AN ENTIRELY NEW BUSINESS FOR MATTEL.  OUR OBJECTIVE WAS TO SUCCESSFULLY ENTER THE ACTIVITY TOY MARKET.  AND THE SALES GOAL WE WERE AIMING FOR BY NEXT YEAR WAS . . .

(BAND plays horn fanfare.  TOM points to the video screens on both sides of the room.  They display a SLIDE: “$50 MM”.)

TOM:  . . . FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS.  WELL, WE’RE GOING TO BEAT THAT SALES GOAL.  NOT NEXT YEAR. . .

(Game show BUZZER sounds.)

TOM:  . . . BUT THIS. YEAR  LET’S DO THE NUMBERS.

(Slide shows Aviva U.S. sales, $35MM, Aviva international sales, $12MM, and Nickelodeon, $18MM, with Grand Total, $65MM.)

TOM (Sync with slides): AVIVA SPORTS IS PROJECTED TO BRING IN 35 MILLION DOLLARS DOMESTICALLY AND 12 MILLION INTERNATIONALLY.  WE’RE LOOKING AT AN ADDITIONAL 18 MILLION FROM NICKELODEON TOYS, FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF . . .

(DRUM ROLL as Grand Total comes up on SLIDE.)

TOM: . . . 65 MILLION DOLLARS!

(STAGEHAND holds up applause sign.  PAUSE for audience reaction.)

TOM: THESE FIGURES GIVE US SO MUCH CONFIDENCE THAT WE’VE ALREADY DOUBLED OUR GOAL, FROM 50 MILLION DOLLARS TO . . .

(DRUM ROLL as SLIDE appears: “$100MM”.  STAGEHAND holds up applause sign.  PAUSE for audience reaction.)

TOM:  . . . A HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS!.  DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH THAT IS?

BANDLEADER: HOW MUCH IS IT, TOM?

TOM: WELL, BE PATIENT, I’M GOING TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH.  IF YOU HAD A STACK OF A HUNDRED MILLION ONE DOLLAR BILLS, THEY’D STRETCH FROM HERE TO THE PLANET URANUS AND BACK . . . WITH ENOUGH LEFT OVER TO GO AROUND KIRSTIE ALLEY’S WAISTLINE.

(PAUSE for audience reaction.)

TOM:  SO . . . WHY IS MATTEL SO INTERESTED IN THE ACTIVITY TOY MARKET?

(TOM turns toward bandleader, as if expecting him to ask why.)

TOM: WHAT, YOU MEAN YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW?  WELL, I’M GOING TO TELL YOU ANYWAY.  (To audience) FIRST OF ALL, THERE’S THE SHEER SIZE OF THE ACTIVITY TOY MARKET.

BAND (In Unison): HOW BIG IS IT, TOM?

TOM: I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK.  IT’S BIGGER . . . THAN THE SPACE BETWEEN SARAH PALIN’S EARS.

(PAUSE for audience reaction.)

TOM: LET ME SHOW YOU HOW BIG THE ACTIVITY TOY MARKET REALLY IS.  (To director, offstage) CAN WE GET THAT PIE CHART UP ON THE SCREEN?

(SLIDE shows colorful pizza with lots of extra toppings. Caption: “Toy Sales” and below that, “$11.3 Billion Total”.  A quarter of the pizza is sliced and labeled “$3 Billion Activity Toys”.)

TOM: AS YOU CAN SEE, ACTIVITY TOYS REPRESENTS A PRETTY HEFTY SLICE OF THE TOY BUSINESS.  IT’S A MAJOR MARKET THAT PROVIDES A REAL GROWTH OPPORTUNITY FOR US.

(SLIDE captioned “Activity Toy Categories” shows Activity Toys pizza cut into slices representing categories of activity toys: “Arts & Crafts, $500 MM,” “Building/Construction, $350 MM,” “Household/Food Toys, $200 MM,” “Mechanical/Design Toys, $130 MM,” “Science Kits, $70 MM.”)

TOM: WE ALSO KNOW THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT CATEGORIES OF ACTIVITY TOYS AND THE MARKET IS FRAGMENTED, WITH NO SINGLE COMPANY DOMINATING.  BUT IF YOU CAN COME UP WITH AN INNOVATIVE PRODUCT THAT CATCHES ON, YOU’LL HAVE MORE STAYING POWER THAN BRETT FAVRE.  (PAUSE for audience reaction.) AND THAT’S THE KEY TO OUR STRATEGY: INNOVATION.  INNOVATION IN MARKETING AND IN PRODUCT.  WE’RE DEVELOPING BRANDS BOTH INTERNALLY AND THROUGH ACQUISITIONS.  WE’RE INTRODUCING NEW BRANDS TIED-IN WITH MAJOR PLAYERS IN KIDS’ MARKETING SUCH AS THE NICKELODEON NETWORK.  WE’VE GOT MORE IDEAS THAN LINDSAY LOHAN HAS PROBATION OFFICERS. AND WE’RE COMING UP WITH NEW ACTIVITY TOYS THAT ARE DYNAMIC, FUN AND CREATIVE, WITH THAT “MATTEL MAGIC.”  WE’RE GOING TO BLOW THE COMPETITION OUT OF THE WATER.

(STAGEHAND enters with rolling cart with some items on it.  Each is hidden beneath a cloth or other kind of cover so it can’t be seen.)

TOM: JUST SO YOU’LL KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT, WE’VE PUT TOGETHER A FEW OF OUR COMPETITORS’ SO-CALLED SUCCESS STORIES.

(He removes a pot cover, revealing Fun with Food as a SLIDE of it appears.)

TOM: FUN WITH FOOD FROM FISHER-PRICE.  (Derisively) FUN WITH FOOD!  (PAUSE, arms folded, hums, bored.) ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?  THIS TOY HAS ABOUT AS MUCH EXCITEMENT AS THAT PLASTIC SUSHI YOU SEE IN THE WINDOWS OF JAPANESE RESTAURANTS.  (SFX as TOM throws food on floor. PAUSE for audience reaction.)

(He uncovers Magna Doodle.  A black & white SLIDE of it appears.)

TOM: MAGNA DOODLE.  KIDS CAN DRAW WITH IT.  BUT ONLY IN BLACK AND WHITE.  CAN YOU IMAGINE TED TURNER BUYING A TOY LIKE THIS FOR HIS KIDS?  I MEAN, HERE’S A GUY WHO GOES ON SAFARI IN AFRICA JUST SO HE CAN COLORIZE THE ZEBRAS.  (PAUSE for audience reaction.) HE DOESN’T WANT MAGNA DOO-DOO, HE WANTS MATTEL’S NICKELODEON COLOR WRITER!  (Black & white SLIDE dissolves to color slide of Color Writer.)

(He uncovers Leggo.  A SLIDE of it appears.)

TOM: LAST BUT NOT LEAST, LEGGO, A LEADER IN CONSTRUCTION TOYS.  YOU PUT IT TOGETHER, AND THEN WHAT?  BOOOOORING.  KIDS LIKE ACTION!  HOW MANY OF YOU OUT THERE HAVE KIDS?  (Pause for audience reaction) HOW MANY OF YOU DON’T HAVE KIDS?  (Pause) HOW MANY OF YOU AREN’T SURE?  (Pause) ANYWAY, IF YOU’VE BEEN AROUND KIDS, YOU KNOW WHAT THE LITTLE DARLINGS DO WHEN THEY GET BORED WITH A TOY.

(He demonstrates, reaching beneath the cart and producing a Sledge-O-Matic, smashing Leggo to smithereens, as BAND plays “The Anvil Chorus” from “Il Trovatore”.)

TOM (Over audience reaction): AND THAT’S WHAT WE’RE GOING TO DO TO OUR COMPETITION WITH OUR NEW LINE OF ACTION-CONSTRUCTION TOYS!  THEY’LL NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT ‘EM!  WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TODAY, WITH SOME SPECIAL GUESTS WHO ARE PART OF OUR ACTIVITY TOYS TEAM!

(Show’s logo comes up on SCREEN.  BAND plays Tonight Show theme as TOM wanders over to host’s desk, sits down, now that his monologue is done. STAGEHAND displays applause sign.)

TOM (As applause subsides): THANK YOU.  (Pause) OUR FIRST GUEST AND TEAM MEMBER IS KNOWN FOR HIS HIGH ENERGY AND HIS ABILITY TO INSPIRE THE ENTIRE TEAM.  HE’S THE FOUNDER OF AVIVA SPORTS AND THE LEADER OF THE AVIVA SPORTS TEAM.  PLEASE WELCOME THE PRESIDENT AND CEO OF AVIVA SPORTS, COACH MIKE!.

(STAGEHAND displays applause sign.  BAND plays “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”  MIKE enters, dressed in some sort of silly composite sports uniform, perhaps basketball shorts with a football jersey and a baseball hat.  He waves a pennant and carries a sports duffle bag.  TOM stands to shake his hand, motions for him to sit.  MIKE sits but is so energetic that it seems an unnatural position for him.  Applause dies down.)

MIKE: AM I ON CAMERA NOW?

TOM: OH YEAH, WE’RE ROLLING.

MIKE: DO YOU MIND IF I SAY HELLO TO MY FAMILY?  THEY’RE A BIG PART OF AVIVA’S SUCCESS.

TOM: BE MY GUEST.  (Waves at audience, smiles) HI, MOM!

MIKE: I’D LIKE TO THANK MY WHOLE FAMILY . . . (MIKE calls out names of groups and group leaders.  He invites them to stand up.) WE’RE DOING GREAT BECAUSE OF ALL YOU GUYS OUT THERE.  GIVE YOURSELVES A BIG HAND!

TOM (After applause subsides): SO, COACH, HOW LONG’S IT BEEN NOW SINCE YOU JOINED THE MATTEL TEAM?

MIKE: A LITTLE OVER A YEAR.  AND IT’S A WINNING COMBINATION.  WITH MATTEL’S SUPPORT AND AVIVA’S PRODUCTS, WE’RE AN UNBEATABLE TEAM!

TOM: WHAT’S THE SCORE SO FAR?

MIKE: IT’S GETTING MORE ONE-SIDED ALL THE TIME, TOM.  WE’RE ON A HOT STREAK.  THE COMPETITION’S PLAYING CATCH-UP.

MAN FROM NERF (Shouting from audience): OH YEAH?  THAT’S WHAT YOU THINK!

(Man from Nerf has a basket of Nerf balls which he begins flinging at MIKE and TOM.  They bounce harmlessly off whatever and whomever they hit.)

TOM (Rising): IT’S THE MAN FROM NERF!  WHAT’S HE DOING HERE?

(MIKE jumps up from his seat, begins throwing the Nerf balls back.)

MIKE: DON’T WORRY, TOM, THESE NERF BALLS CAN’T HURT US.  THEY’RE NOT REAL!

MAN FROM NERF (Approaching stage, still throwing): NOT REAL?  WE’VE BEEN IN THIS BUSINESS FOR 20 YEARS, AND OUR SALES ARE 60 MILLION DOLLARS!

MIKE: BIG DEAL!  WITH MATTEL ON OUR TEAM, WE’RE EXPECTING TO DO ALMOST 50 MILLION IN SALES!  AND WE’VE GOT MORE INNOVATIVE PRODUCTS IN THE PIPELINE!

MAN FROM NERF: INNOVATIVE, SCHMINNOVATIVE!  WHATEVER YOU MAKE, WE’LL JUST COME UP WITH A CHEAP COPY!

MIKE: KNOCKING OFF OUR PRODUCTS, HUH?!  THAT’S A PERSONAL FOUL!  (Blows a whistle, shouts.) THROW THAT PLAYER OUT OF THE GAME!!

(MATTEL SECURITY GUARDS rush over and grab Man from Nerf.)

SECURITY GUARD: WHERE’S YOUR PROPERTY PASS AND HOW DID YOU GET THOSE NERF BALLS IN HERE?

(As they drag him away, TOM and MIKE pick up the Nerf balls and toss them offstage, then sit down as audience reaction subsides.)

MIKE: LOOKS LIKE WE’VE BEAT BACK AGAINST ANOTHER NERF INCURSION.  WE’LL HAVE TO UPDATE OUR INTELLIGENCE REPORTS ON THEM.

TOM: YEAH, HE HAD A LOT OF NERF COMING IN HERE LIKE THAT.

(BAND groans and leads the audience in groaning.)

TOM: SO WHAT’S THE GAME PLAN, COACH?

MIKE: TO BUILD AN ENDURING BRAND.  OUR GOAL IS TO BECOME A CORE MATTEL PRODUCT.  WE WANT TO EMPHASIZE THE AVIVA SPORT DEVELOPMENTAL LINE. WE PLAN TO LOCK IN OUR POSITION AS THE BEST WAY FOR KIDS TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY SPORTS.  AT THE SAME TIME, WE’RE PLANNING FOR CONTINUING GROWTH WITH OUR CURRENT PRODUCTS BY DEVELOPING NEW DISTRIBUTION.

TOM: NEW DISTRIBUTION? LIKE WHAT?

MIKE: WELL, INTERNATIONAL DISTRIBUTION, FOR EXAMPLE.  AND WE’RE ALSO SHOOTING TO GET DISTRIBUTED THROUGH WAREHOUSE CLUBS AND SUPERMARKETS.  AND OF COURSE, WE’RE GOING TO CONTINUE DEVELOPING GREATER DEPTH OF OUR EXISTING CHANNELS.  YOU’VE ALWAYS GOT TO PLAY TO YOUR STRENGTH.  WE’RE ALSO DEVELOPING NEW PRODUCT CATEGORIES LIKE THE BARBIE SPORTS LINE FOR GIRLS FROM AGE 3 TO 8, AND THE ULTRA SPORT LINE FOR BOYS AND GIRLS FROM AGE 6 TO 10. AND WE’RE HEADING IN NEW DIRECTIONS, LIKE FAMILY SPORTS, OUTDOOR ACTIVITIES, AND SPORTING GOODS GROWING UP WITH KIDS.  WE’D LIKE TO DEVELOP AVIVA SPORTS TOYS FOR ALL AGES, FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY, IN FACT.  I BROUGHT ONE WITH ME.

(A STAGEHAND wheels out a Slap-2-Hoop.)

MIKE: IT’S CALLED THE SLAP-2-HOOP, AND IT’S OUR MAJOR PROMO ITEM FOR THE FOURTH QUARTER.

(He pulls a basketball from his duffel bag, dribbles it toward the hoop.)

MIKE: FAST BREAK . . .  HE GOES TO THE RIM . . . SHOOTS . . . AND SCORES! . . .

(As he makes the shot, an electronic BUZZER goes off.  SFX of crowd cheering.  MIKE comes over and slaps 5 with TOM.)

TOM: YOU REALLY NAILED THAT SUCKER!

MIKE: ANYBODY COULD.  WITH THE SLAP-2-HOOP, EVERYONE’S KOBE BRYANT.  EVEN YOU, TOM.

TOM (Stepping out from behind desk): WHAT DO YOU MEAN, “EVEN ME”?

MIKE: WELL, I MEAN, YOU’RE A BUSINESSMAN, NOT A . . .

TOM: NOT A JOCK LIKE YOU?

MIKE: TRUE.  YOU’RE NOT.

TOM: I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I HAD MORE SACKS THAN ANY OTHER LINEBACKER ON MY HIGH SCHOOL TEAM.

(TOM and MIKE are now nose to nose.)

MIKE: OH YEAH?

TOM: YEAH.

MIKE: PROVE IT!

TOM: OKAY, COACH, PICK YOUR TEAM!  LET’S PLAY BALL!

(Tom grabs two Aviva footballs from MIKE’s duffel bag, tosses one to him.  They head out into the audience, each selecting a team by tapping audience members on the shoulder.  The team members stand up and form a circle in their respective halves of the audience, with TOM and MIKE standing on opposite sides of the center aisle.)

MIKE: OKAY, HERE ARE THE GROUND RULES.  THE BALL GOES ONCE AROUND THE CIRCLE.  YOU CAN TOSS IT ANY WAY YOU WANT, OVERHAND OR UNDERHAND.  NO SKIPPING ANY TEAM MEMBERS AND NO MOVING FROM WHERE YOU’RE STANDING.  AGREED?

TOM: AGREED.  IF THE BALL IS DROPPED, IT STILL HAS TO GET TO THE NEXT PERSON IN THE CIRCLE.  WHEN IT GETS TO THE TEAM LEADER — THAT’S US — THEN WE TAKE IT TO THE GOAL LINE, AND WHOEVER SCORES FIRST WINS.  READY?

MIKE: READY.

(The BANDLEADER blows a whistle and the game begins, the BAND playing “Cheer Cheer for Old Notre Dame”.  It ends when either Tom or Mike crosses the goal line and the video screens light up like a scoreboard with “TOUCHDOWN!”  The BANDLEADER raises the hand of the winner.  A STAGEHAND supplies towels for both team leaders.)

TOM (Out of breath, to audience): WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR.

(Set goes dark.  Video screens show an Aviva commercial or two.)

(Lights up.  TOM seated at desk, MIKE has moved over one seat to make room for the next guest.)

TOM: WELCOME BACK.  MAN, WHAT A WORKOUT!  (Pause) MY NEXT GUEST AND TEAMMATE APPEARS REGULARLY ON THE NICKELODEON NETWORK.  HE’S A SCIENTIST WHO’S RESPONSIBLE FOR SOME OF THE NICKELODEON TOYS THAT WERE INTRODUCED AT THIS YEAR’S TOY FAIR AND WILL BE AVAILABLE IN AUGUST.  NICKELODEON TOYS ARE A WHOLE NEW LINE OF CREATIVE TOYS FOR KIDS. THEY HAVE THE BRIGHT, WILD AND COLORFUL PERSONALITY OF THE NICKELODEON NETWORK.  THEY’RE THE FIRST AND ONLY BRAND WITH PRODUCTS IN SEVERAL ACTIVITY TOY CATEGORIES—INCLUDING PRINTS, PLAY MATERIALS AND MECHANICAL DESIGN.  OUR NICKELODEON GUEST IS A FAVORITE OF KIDS EVERYWHERE.  IN FACT, HE’S A BIT OF A KID HIMSELF.  PLEASE WELCOME DR. GAKMEISTER.

(STAGEHAND holds up applause sign.  BAND plays Nickelodeon Theme, with slimy and bubbly SFX on audio track.  DR. GAKMEISTER, in mad scientist’s white lab coat, enters jauntily, swinging his arms and clicking his heels.  He shakes hands with TOM and then with MIKE.  Mike finds his palm attached to Gakmeister’s by a wad of Gak, which elongates and becomes stringy as they separate.  Gakmeister finally detaches the other end from Mike and sits down, still playing with the Gak.)

TOM: I SEE YOU BROUGHT SOME OF YOUR PRIDE AND JOY WITH YOU.

GAKMEISTER: NATURALLY.  WHEREVER I GO, GAK GOES.  (Displays a handful of Gak as if it were a credit card.) DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT!

TOM: SO HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO COME UP WITH THIS STUFF IN THE FIRST PLACE?

GAKMEISTER: WELL, I WAS WORKING FOR NASA, RESEARCHING A MOST PRESSING PROBLEM—NAMELY, THE COMPRESSION EFFECT OF HIGH G-FORCE LIFTOFF ON AN ASTRONAUT’S BUTTOCKS.  AFTER YEARS OF PAINSTAKING EXPERIMENTATION, I FINALLY FORMULATED A SUBSTANCE THAT WOULD CUSHION THE, UH, NETHER REGIONS AND ABSORB THE SHOCK TO THE CHEEKS.  UNFORTUNATELY, THAT WAS RIGHT AROUND THE TIME WHEN CONGRESS BEGAN TO GET CONCERNED ABOUT THE FEDERAL BUDGET DEFICIT AND MY RESEARCH FUNDING GOT KICKED IN THE REAR.  SO, I TOOK MY INVENTION TO THE GOOD FOLKS AT NICKELODEON, AND THE REST, AS THEY SAY, IS HISTORY.

TOM: NOW WAIT A MINUTE, DR. GAKMEISTER.  AREN’T YOU KIND OF LEAVING OUT A LOT?  I MEAN, THERE ARE OTHER GREAT NICKELODEON TOYS THAT MATTEL IS INTRODUCING.  THERE’S ALSO THE INNOVATIVE MARKETING RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN MATTEL AND NICKELODEON.  AND THEN THERE’S NICKELODEON ITSELF.  WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT?  MOST OF OUR AUDIENCE PROBABLY DOESN’T HAVE A CLUE.  WOULD YOU MIND BACKING UP AND GIVING US A LITTLE MORE DETAIL ON ALL THIS?

(GAKMEISTER continues playing with his Gak, absentmindedly.)

GAKMEISTER: OH, I THINK THAT’S SNOT REALLY NECESSARY. (Pulling Gak from his nose) EVERYBODY  KNOWS ALL THAT ALREADY.

TOM: I DOUBT THAT VERY MUCH.

(TOM and GAKMEISTER argue like a couple of kids.)

GAKMEISTER: OH YES THEY DO.

TOM: OH NO THEY DON’T.

GAKMEISTER: DO.

TOM: DON’T.

GAKMEISTER: DO!

TOM: DON’T!

GAKMEISTER: DO!  DO!  DOO-DOO!

(GAKMEISTER stretches Gak across his mouth, blows a raspberry.)

GAKMEISTER: I’M SURE THEY DO.  IN FACT, I’M SO SURE, I’LL BET MY GAK ON IT.  (To audience) WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE SOMEBODY GET GAKKED?  WELL, WOULD YOU?  SPEAK UP!

(With gestures, he encourages the audience to answer yes.)

GAKMEISTER: GUEEEESS WHO?

(STAGEHAND rolls on a hangman-type apparatus with a bucket of gak on top.  SOUND EFFECT of it bubbling.  As the BAND plays, GAKMEISTER and MIKE lead TOM from his seat over to the apparatus, where he’s strapped in.  Gakmeister goes into the audience.)

GAKMEISTER: NOW I’M GOING TO ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS.  EVERY ONE YOU ANSWER CORRECTLY BRINGS US JUST A LITTLE BIT CLOSER TO A GAK ATTACK.  QUESTION NUMBER ONE:  WHAT TWO COMPANIES HAVE A UNIQUE MARKETING RELATIONSHIP THAT INCLUDES ON-AIR COMMERCIALS AND SHOWS, PRIZES FOR GAME SHOWS, AND ATTRACTIONS AT TV STUDIOS?  AND THE ANSWER IS ONE OF THE FOLLOWING . . . (SLIDE shows multiple choice answers in sync.) VICTORIA’S SECRET AND CNN . . . INTEL AND MTV . . . MATTEL AND NICKELODEON . . . HASBRO AND GOLDMAN SACHS.

(Gakmeister continues picking out members of audience and asking multiple choice questions.  Answer choices are shown on slides:

- What TV Network has more kids watching than all other networks combined ? [Home Shopping Network, The Playboy Channel, ESPN, Nickelodeon]

- What two compounds are featured on every Nickelodeon program? [Bread & Water, Slime & Gak, Mud & Jello, Vitamins & Minerals]

- What Nickelodeon toy lets kids draw and doodle in color? [Color Writer, EZ Squeezee, Mix 'N Spin, All of the Above] [Show product slides in sync.]

- What is the Nickelodeon programming philosophy?  [E Pluribus Unum, Yes We Can!, For Kids by Kids, Hasta la vista, baby!]

- What Nickelodeon 1993 pre-Toy Fair product features water and flight?  [H20, CO2, ASAP, M-O-U-S-E]

(Ad-lib: With each correct answer, Gak bucket tips a little further.  Gakmeister taunts Tom: “Getting nervous?”  “A little closer.”  “Ready for a Gakking?”  Finally, he says, “Gak ‘em!” and Tom is gakked, perhaps by MIKE.)

TOM (Ungakking himself): WE’LL BE RIGHT GAK!

(Set goes dark.  Tom goes backstage to get cleaned up.  SCREENS show Nickelodeon commercials)

(Lights up on TOM, cleaned up, at desk, with MIKE and GAKMEISTER seated.)

TOM: THAT WAS AN UNFORGETTABLE EXPERIENCE.  IT SHOULD ONLY HAPPEN TO YOU.  (Pause) OUR NEXT GUEST AND TEAMMATE IS A FAMILIAR FACE TO MILLIONS OF FAST FOOD LOVERS ALL OVER THE WORLD.  SPOKESMAN, MASCOT, GOOD WILL AMBASSADOR, ENTERTAINER, HE’S ALL OF THOSE AND MORE.  LET’S HAVE A BIG HAND FOR RONALD MCDONALD!

(BAND plays “You Deserve a Break Today” as MCDONALD makes his clownish entrance carrying a McDonald’s take-out bag, shakes hands, sits down.)

TOM: SO, HOW’VE YOU BEEN?

MCDONALD: NEVER BETTER!  EXCUSE ME A SECOND, TOM . . .

(He reaches behind Tom’s head, finds a small wad of Gak.)

MCDONALD:  . . . YOU DON’T WANT TO GO AROUND WITH GAK IN YOUR HAIR.  PEOPLE’LL THINK YOU’RE A CLOWN! (Turns, hands the Gak to Dr. Gakmeister.) THIS MUST BE YOURS.

GAKMEISTER: GAK YOU VERY MUCH.

MCDONALD (To Tom): AND THIS . . .(Reaches into his take-out bag, pulls out a Happy Meal for Tom.) . . . IS YOURS . . . (Hands Happy Meals to GAKMEISTER and MIKE.) . . . AND YOURS . . . AND YOURS.

TOM: WOW, A HAPPY MEAL!

MCDONALD: WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT IF WE COULD MAKE EVERY KID’S MEAL A HAPPY MEAL?

TOM: THAT WOULD REALLY BE SOMETHING.  THERE ARE TONS OF KIDS OUT THERE.

MCDONALD: WELL, YOU KNOW, TOM, WE’RE ALREADY REACHING MILLIONS OF THEM.  MCDONALD’S IS NUMBER ONE IN MARKETING TO KIDS OF ALL AGES.  WE SPEND A MILLION DOLLARS A DAY ON ADVERTISING.  TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

(SCREEN shows commercials, McDonald’s sizzle.)

MIKE: A MILLION BUCKS A DAY.  THAT’S NOT CHUMP CHANGE.  I’LL BET MATTEL WOULD LIKE TO TIE INTO THAT.

TOM: YOU SAID IT.  I CAN’T THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO LEVERAGE OUR CREATIVITY AND KNOW-HOW THAN TO FORM A STRATEGIC PARTNERSHIP WITH MCDONALD’S.  DOWN THE ROAD, WE’RE LOOKING AT JOINT ADVERTISING, ON-AIR AND IN-STORE PROMOS, AIR TIME ON MCDONALD’S SATELLITE NETWORK, AND INTERNATIONAL OPPORTUNITIES, ESPECIALLY IN EUROPE AND JAPAN.  JUST PICTURE THE POSSIBILITIES.

MCDONALD: WELL, YOUR NEW MATTEL LINE OF REAL FOOD TOYS IS A PRETTY GOOD START.

GAKMEISTER: FOOD TOYS?  MY MOM ALWAYS TOLD ME NEVER TO PLAY WITH MY FOOD.

MCDONALD: NO KID COULD RESIST THESE FOOD TOYS.  NOT EVEN YOU, DR. GAKMEISTER.

GAKMEISTER: HOW DO THEY WORK? I’M ALL EARS.

MIKE: SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU’RE ALL MOUTH.

MCDONALD: WELL, WITH MATTEL’S MCDONALD’S FOOD LINE, KIDS WILL BE ABLE TO MAKE REAL FOOD THAT’S AS MUCH FUN AS A HAPPY MEAL!

TOM: YEAH, REAL FOOD, NOT THAT PLASTIC JUNK OUR COMPETITORS MAKE.

MCDONALD (To Tom): THAT’S WHY WE WANT YOU TO BE OUR TOY COMPANY.  AND WHY WE’VE AGREED TO BE PARTNERS WITH MATTEL IN HAPPY MEALS AND OTHER TOY PROMOS.

GAKMEISTER (Anticipating): AND? . . . AND? . . .

TOM: AND WHAT?

GAKMEISTER: TELL ME MORE ABOUT THESE FOOD TOYS.  I’M A SCIENTIST.  I NEED DIAGRAMS . . . FORMULAS . . . SPECIFICATIONS . . .

MCDONALD: SORRY.  MY LIPS ARE SEALED.  I’VE SIGNED A NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT.  BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT OUR FOOD TOYS, THERE’S A HINT FOR YOU RIGHT THERE IN YOUR HAPPY MEAL BOX.

GAKMEISTER (Peeking into box): HMMMM . . . MMMMM . . . YES . . . I SEE . . . VERY INNOVATIVE . . .

(GAKMEISTER starts to take something out of the box, but MCDONALD stops him.)

MCDONALD: UH UH.  NOT HERE.  WE’LL UNVEILING THE NEW LINE OF FOOD TOYS AT TOY FAIR—THAT IS, IF WE CAN GET THE FULL SUPPORT OF THE MATTEL TEAM.

TOM (To Audience): HOW ‘BOUT IT?  YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET THIS LINE READY FOR THE TOY FAIR?  LET ME HEAR YOU SAY YEAH!

(Pause for audience reaction.)

TOM: THAT’S THE TICKET.  (To McDonald) SEE YOU AT TOY FAIR . . .

(He extends a hand for MCDONALD to shake.)

TOM: . . . PARTNER.

(TOM and MCDONALD smile as they shake.  BAND plays “Send in the Clowns” as guests move over to make room for next guest.)

TOM (To audience): OUR LAST GUEST AND TEAM MEMBER IS ALSO INVOLVED IN AN UNUSUAL AND MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL PARTNERSHIP WITH MATTEL.  BUT UNLIKE RONALD MCDONALD, HE’S RARELY SEEN IN PUBLIC.  IN FACT, WE’RE NOT EVEN SURE WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.  BUT WE’RE GRATEFUL HE’S HERE TONIGHT.  PLEASE WELCOME THE GRANDMASTER OF SPECIAL EFFECTS, THE CREATOR OF LUKE SKYWALKER, DARTH VADER AND INDIANA JONES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR. GEORGE LUCAS!

(BAND plays the Star Wars or Indiana Jones theme, and the room LIGHTS FLICKER and dim to black.  Music is drowned out by SOUND of earthquake RUMBLING, accompanied by FLASHING LIGHT and STROBES.  As room lights flicker back on, a cloud of SMOKE appears center stage.  The smoke dissipates, revealing GEORGE LUCAS, of moderate height, with greying wavy hair and beard and glasses, looking anything but charismatic. He stands there for a moment, as if nothing unusual had happened, then crosses to TOM and extends a hand, which appears to be on FIRE.  He offers to shake with the others, but they back off.  Finally, he sits down.)

TOM: NOW THERE’S A MAN WHO REALLY KNOWS HOW TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE! LOOKS LIKE WE PICKED THE RIGHT PARTNER FOR OUR NEW LINE OF SPECIAL EFFECTS TOYS.

LUCAS: IT’S A NATURAL.  THE KING OF THE SPECIAL EFFECTS BUSINESS (Points to himself) AND THE TOPS IN THE TOY BUSINESS (Points to AUDIENCE).  WE’RE TALKING SERIOUS MONEY HERE — A POTENTIAL MARKET OF AT LEAST A BILLION DOLLARS IN SALES.  THAT’S NINE ZEROES, AND IT INCLUDES A 350 MILLION DOLLAR MARKET FOR CONSTRUCTION TOYS AND A HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF MODEL KITS.  AND WE’RE GOING TO MARCH INTO NEXT YEAR’S TOY FAIR AND KNOCK EVERYBODY’S SOCKS OFF WITH A WHOLE NEW CATEGORY OF TOYS CALLED “ACTION-CONSTRUCTION” TOYS.

GAKMEISTER: ACTION-CONSTRUCTION?  WHAT’S THAT MEAN?

LUCAS: ACTION, MAN, ACTION!!

(As LUCAS shouts that last word, gesturing like a director on a set, a FIREBOLT leaps from his hand like a torch and the SCREENS explode with a short rip-roaring action sequence with explosions.  TOM, MCDONALD, and GAKMEISTER are visibly impressed.  MIKE is reserved.)

TOM (After video ends): VERY REALISTIC, I MUST SAY.

LUCAS: THEY’RE MORE REALISTIC THAN ANY OTHER TOY A KID CAN BUY.

TOM: AND YOU KNOW, A LOT OF YOU OUT THERE IN THE AUDIENCE ARE GOING TO BE GETTING INVOLVED IN PACKAGING AND VENDOR OPERATIONS.  WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT TO GET THIS NEW LINE READY FOR TOY FAIR.

GAKMEISTER (To Lucas): SO, UH, WHAT EXACTLY DO THESE TOYS DO?

LUCAS: SPECIAL EFFECTS, DOC.  SPECIAL EFFECTS FOR KIDS.  SOUND! (SFX: Room shakes with THUNDER.)  LIGHT!  (Blinding flash of LIGHTNING.) VISUALS!  (SCREEN shows FIRE, SMOKE, EXPLOSIONS.)

TOM (After audience reaction): BOY, YOU REALLY ARE MR. SPECIAL EFFECTS.

MIKE (Jealous): SO WHAT DO WE CALL HIM, “MR. EFFECTS” OR JUST “SPECIAL”?

(LUCAS points at MIKE’S HAT, which suddenly LEVITATES, hovering just out of his reach, moving from side to side as he climbs up on his chair and tries to grab it.)

MIKE: HEY, GIMME THAT BACK! . . .  LEMME HAVE IT! . . .  C’MON, GEORGE, BE A SPORT, WILL YOU? . . . C’MON . . .

(LUCAS just sits there, ignoring him as he chases his hat in vain.)

MIKE: ALRIGHT, YOU WIN.  CAN I HAVE MY HAT BACK, PLEASE, MR. SPECIAL EFFECTS?

(LUCAS smiles, points at the hat, which obediently drops back down onto Mike’s head.)

TOM: WELL, WE’RE JUST ABOUT OUT OF TIME, AND A GOOD THING TOO, BEFORE GEORGE LUCAS LEVITATES THE WHOLE STUDIO.

(He turns toward his guests.)

TOM: SO, TEAM, WHAT ARE WE UP TO SO FAR?

LUCAS: I’M GOING FOR 25 MILLION.

(SCREENS show “Lucas $25MM”, with EXPLOSION and SFX.)

MCDONALD: I’LL MATCH THAT 25!

(SCREENS add “McDonald’s $25MM” with shot of golden arches and MUSIC.)

GAKMEISTER: I’LL SEE YOUR 25 MILLION AND RAISE YOU 10 MILLION!

(SCREENS add “Nickelodeon $35MM” with GRAPHIC and Nickelodeon MUSIC tag line.)

MIKE: I’VE GOT YOU ALL BEAT!  50 MILLION!

(SFX: CROWD CHEERING.  SCREENS add “Aviva $40MM”.)

TOM: AND I’VE GOT A HUNDRED 35 MILLION! . . .

(MUSIC UP.  Confetti cannons shoot into audience.  SCREENS add “Grand Total $125MM”.)

TOM: . . . AND THAT’S ONE HECK OF A YEAR! . . .

(To audience)

TOM: . . . WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, TEAM?!

(STAGEHAND shows Applause sign.  BAND plays “Tonight Show” theme.)

TOM (Over applause): I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY FOR COMING TODAY.  AND REMEMBER, WE NEED YOUR HELP TO BRING THESE DREAMS TO LIFE!

(Set goes dark.  MUSIC OUT.)

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